This evening I came home and again I did NOT work out. Why? I didn't feel like it. Is that an excuse? Absolutely not!! I came to realize something while sitting here watching TV and coloring though. I am avoiding trying to feel my emotions. I am so tired of dealing with all of these raw emotions that I have been distracting myself. I napped, read, watched TV, and colored most of last week and the entire weekend. I did have a cold so I didn't go out like I had initially planned to avoid getting others sick.
I am tired of feeling everything! I have asked multiple people if there was a way to just stop feeling, even for just a day. There isn't. So I have been distracting myself. Most of the time it has been TV and coloring. I am watching a TV show while focusing on coloring and the colors I am using. This is generally while also texting friends and family. So I shut my coloring book and turned the TV off tonight. I picked up some clutter that has accumulated and cried for a while. It sucked. I am not going to lie, but I did it.
It may be hard, but I am going to try and stop distracting myself right now. Allow myself to feel and try to be okay with how I am feeling. I don't know what this means for my workouts and eating. Working out always makes me feel better; however, I believe I have been avoiding it because of what I think about during that time. I need to get back on the wagon though. I just need to remind myself I am strong and I will get through it. I have a feeling it is going to be me picking myself up and falling for a few more months, but I will NOT QUIT!