It has been hard for me to deal with memories of our past and what I want to believe were happy times together. I want to remember them as good times and recently decided I have to believe they were. When your marriage ends with lies, anger, and hurt it is hard not to question how much of the past were lies. Even the memories with those who used to be your friends hurt.
So... I have been sitting around distracting myself from these memories. Distracting myself from the past thirteen years of my life and wondering what was true and what was a lie. I have been watching too much TV. Basically I have been binging on TV on and off for the past 10 months. I have watched a ton shows. If you need a recommendation let me know! Lately, it has been Gilmore Girls. In case you didn't catch that in my last post.
Watching TV isn't a problem, but I have stopped doing what I need to do. I am not working out like I want or should be doing. I am not keeping up on my housework, meal prep, or cooking! I am not reading like I want or accomplishing other things I want to do. When watching TV interferes with activities you know you need and want to do, it is a problem.
On top of the TV binging, I am binging on food. Let's be honest, I have always ate more than necessary or I wouldn't be over weight. However, I have never binged like I have been lately. It is embarrassing to me. I hate to even admit it. I even put MyFitness Pal on private because I wanted to log, but I did not want others to see. It is time it stops though. Food is not a source of comfort and it does not make me feel better. It makes me feel both physically and emotionally awful.
I am not going to be able to jump back to where I was a year ago when I was working out 5-6 days a week, eating healthy, loving myself, etcetera. Unfortunately, I am going to have to start over. It sucks! It pisses me off to be honest! I worked hard, both physically and mentally, to get to a place where I felt confident, strong, and happy with myself helping me to get to my 50 pound weight loss.