Not Lucky, Blessed

I can only speak from a person going through a divorce, but I can tell you that with my divorce one thing that drives me nuts is people telling me I am "lucky." Am I? It sure does not feel like it. My world was ripped apart and you think I am lucky? It's not luck! This is a divorce and no matter what you think, it is ugly.

One day you are going to a movie thinking he has been acting weird all weekend. The next day he tells you "I'm done." Things are just over. Your best friend, your lover, your roommate, your husband are just gone along with the plans and dreams you had for your future. You struggle to just keep going. 

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So no... I am not lucky; I am blessed. To be honest I have come to hate hearing the word "lucky." Nothing about divorce or any tragedy for that matter is lucky.

I consider myself blessed with the circumstances of my divorce. I am blessed to not have children, to not have to see or talk to him, to have the actual divorce proceedings go as well as they did, etcetera. These were just some of the blessings in this storm. My thanks and praise will continue for the blessings that have come and continue to come even through all the losses.

Binging

Lately I have been going through the depression and anger phase of my grieving process. In case you're curious... it sucks! There are a lot of things that have come up for me and I just haven't wanted to deal with them. Let's be honest... I am not really good at dealing with them either. Distractions seem to be my speciality, especially this past year!

It has been hard for me to deal with memories of our past and what I want to believe were happy times together. I want to remember them as good times and recently decided I have to believe they were. When your marriage ends with lies, anger, and hurt it is hard not to question how much of the past were lies. Even the memories with those who used to be your friends hurt.

So... I have been sitting around distracting myself from these memories. Distracting myself from the past thirteen years of my life and wondering what was true and what was a lie. I have been watching too much TV. Basically I have been binging on TV on and off for the past 10 months. I have watched a ton shows.  If you need a recommendation let me know! Lately, it has been Gilmore Girls. In case you didn't catch that in my last post.

Watching TV isn't a problem, but I have stopped doing what I need to do. I am not working out like I want or should be doing. I am not keeping up on my housework, meal prep, or cooking! I am not reading like I want or accomplishing other things I want to do. When watching TV interferes with activities you know you need and want to do, it is a problem.

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On top of the TV binging, I am binging on food. Let's be honest, I have always ate more than necessary or I wouldn't be over weight. However, I have never binged like I have been lately. It is embarrassing to me. I hate to even admit it. I even put MyFitness Pal on private because I wanted to log, but I did not want others to see. It is time it stops though. Food is not a source of comfort and it does not make me feel better. It makes me feel both physically and emotionally awful.

I am not going to be able to jump back to where I was a year ago when I was working out 5-6 days a week, eating healthy, loving myself, etcetera. Unfortunately, I am going to have to start over. It sucks! It pisses me off to be honest! I worked hard, both physically and mentally, to get to a place where I felt confident, strong, and happy with myself helping me to get to my 50 pound weight loss.

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So I will start again... step by step. Because this life of sitting on the couch binging on TV and food is not the life I truly crave.